What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
