my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
