Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize