oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
