Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
