so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
