My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize