I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Randomize
