Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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