Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
