Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
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