Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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