ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
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