Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
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