i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
my shit smells like andre
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
