do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
Randomize
