I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
The feeling are messing with the penis
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
