He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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