I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
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