She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize