I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
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