I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
