things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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