just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
Randomize
