Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
