last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
Randomize
