How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
