I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
