Four minutes until I can fart!
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Randomize
