Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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