i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
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