That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
It's like God shit irony all over that family
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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