you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
