I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
