the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
