Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
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