I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
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