I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
