I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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