Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
