WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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