Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
