I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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