I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
