I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize