Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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