If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize