So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
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