Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
ugly people sure do ruin things
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Randomize
