I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
I cut my penus on the lid.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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