His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
