Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
my being single is dangerous.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I came so hard my ears popped.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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