i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
