I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
