you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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